It’s been a year since you last spoke to them, yet you find yourself knowing every detail of their daily life. From what they had for breakfast to the new color they’re wearing, you’re like a silent observer in a world you no longer belong to. In the past, we would have called this “moving on,” but in today’s age of endless scrolling, it’s more like haunting.
This behavior, known as “soft-lurking” by psychologists, may seem harmless at first. A quick peek at their social media stories or updates might feel like innocent curiosity. However, your brain doesn’t distinguish between curiosity and emotional distress. Each time you see their name pop up, it’s like a digital tug pulling you back into a relationship that has already ended.
The science behind this is like a glitch in our biological wiring. When we love someone, our brains create strong connections linked to their presence. Breaking up is meant to be a time of rewiring our brains to live without them. But soft-lurking acts as a constant reminder, preventing those connections from fading. Instead of healing, you’re essentially nurturing your grief, keeping the wound fresh and preventing closure.
By constantly watching their life unfold, you’re stuck in a cycle of mourning. Even though you’re physically single, emotionally, you’re still tied to the past. This emotional baggage makes it hard for you to move forward and be open to new possibilities. You’re searching for closure by watching them, but in reality, it’s what’s keeping you from moving on.
Soft-lurking also distorts your perception of reality. You end up comparing your messy, real-life struggles to their carefully curated online persona. This comparison only makes you feel stuck and left behind when, in reality, you’re the one choosing to stay and watch.
Breaking this habit is crucial for your own well-being. It takes courage to disconnect, mute, or simply look away. When you stop being a passive observer in their life, you give yourself the chance to be the protagonist in your own story. True healing doesn’t come from stalking their updates; it comes from finding peace in the silence where their presence used to be. Put down the phone, break free from the past, and let go of the ghosts. Only then can you create space for yourself to breathe and move forward.
